There's allot of that watery ocean stuff out there.

Excerpts from a voyage log. It goes something like this.

Day 1.
It is good to see the strict 2 cabin bags per person only, of a maximum 20kg each, being adhered to. One of the guys in my cabin has 6 large cases, and is still missing 2 bags. For my part, neither of mine have turned up and as we set sail 20mins ago, that has to worry me slightly.

Day 2.
This REALLY is a strange boat. It's creepy. Everybody seems to know who i am, and all know my family history much better than I do. I even have cousins on board who i have never previously heard of. I'm already utterly confused, and fear it can only get worse. To top it off, one of my cabin mates seems too be, erm, overly religious. Formerly a Jehovah's Witness, now a messenger of god or some rubbish. The first thing i said was a pre-emptive clarity of position “I am fascinated by religion, but hate people trying to convert me, and am not above torture if they try” and i'm not sure that has helped. He talks and prays in his sleep, and has already established that i am a soul that requires deep help and salvation – no sh1t - (as I am a believer of evolution) and i have that deep sinking feeling that this is going to be a loooong trip.

Day 3.
After breakfast, tea and coffee are laid out in one of the 2 lounges to help yourself to until lunch. Intriguingly, a bottle of Tabasco sauce was also laid out. I can thus confirm that tea and Tabasco make for an interesting and tasty refreshment, though not necessarily one I would choose to drink again regularly. I'd also suggest against using full-fat milk.

Day 4.
I am being prepared to be the main course. It is the only explanation that makes sense. This voyage is becoming a constant stream of meals and food being stuffed down my throat, and i can only assume that I am being fattened up before being killed. The only respite i have is after dinner, after which I am instead being plied with copious amounts of booze....

Day 5.
Gawd blimey. What the heck has the guy done to his feet? You can more or less smell his boots a nautical mile away, and when you are attempting to share an 18sq ft cabin with them, that is not necessarily a good thing. I might be coming delirious with the toxious odor, but am increasingly fantasising about flinging them overboard. The only problem being, i would have to pick them up and move them, and even with such a big prize that is not a pleasant thought.

Day 6.
Make discovery that Tabasco is actually an accompaniment to 'Beef Tea' that occasionally appears. Discovery is made after i accidentally use wrong tea pot. Again, I would suggest against using full-fat milk, or to be fair, any milk.

Day 7.
The Locusts have arrived, in increasing sizes and of occasionally impressive (EG: Barbeque-able) sizes. I'm not perhaps as au fait with the Bible as I should be, but have a vague idea that a plague of locusts is not necessarily a good sign.

Day 8.
It is slightly tepid. Marginally temperate you might even say, and continues to increase.

Day 9.
I haven't seen a ship, light, boat or land in 2days, and it just gets hotter and hotter and stickier and stickier. And thats not even mentioning the weather which is boiling, and with vast humidity. I'm now beginning to think that perhaps they aren't fattening me up to kill and put in a pot. I will roast (or possibly steamed. Maybe both) alive before they can achieve that. And if for some reason neither of those occurs, I am now so fat that i will require the assistance of the winch and cargo cranes on-board to be able to disembark.

The second curry cup cricket test in the battle for the North Atlantic ashes has been abandoned due to rain and dolphins. Now there's an excuse you won't hear on test match Special.

Day 10.
Why, oh why, oh why, oh why.

Day 11.
I am halucinating. I can see something pointy and grey with some almost green-ish tints. I almost thought I was drinking Old Speckled Hen in an old colonial railway station at one point.

Day 12.
Feck me, look at all them fish! Are all fish supposed to be so large and with pointy triangular things on their backs?

Day 13.
Hmmm

Day 14.
Land ho? No? Oh.